Parenting…ones of life’s hardest jobs, but only because of all the other stuff

I was musing today on my job as a parent, and the thoughts were sort of spilling forth over tea and scones that an amazing friend made.

We both have four sons. Mine are older than hers, but since we are both about the same age, and grew up together, I find it humorous that so far, we both had four sons. I don’t know if she will beat me and have more, but we will see!

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One of my greatest fears in life is that I will fail my children and they will hate me for my failings. I struggle with the fear that can grip me in almost a paralyzing way, and cause me to actually be more on edge.

I am working through learning some valuable lessons at the moment, and I don’t think it is going to be an easy one.

I realized that I often tend to have the rungs on my priority ladder a bit mixed up. I am on the bottom rung, I can usually find a way to take whatever people throw at me. Next is my children and husband and last up is outside friends/family/groups I volunteer for.  Now, you may think….”That is an odd order of things.”

Well, it really is, because when I realized, that the people on the top of the ladder in my priorities were others outside my family. I let my supposed self sacrifice bubble over and effect my children and husband, our family life among other things, not mentioning my health, children’s health, sleep or eating habits. I realized that my “self-sacrifice” has not always actually been so great for people.

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I love serving others. It gives me joy to make others happy! But  often I figure that if it effects my own schedule, food plans, or anything like that, that is not really that important. We are supposed to lay down our lives, be self sacrificing, and deny ourselves things, right?

But then I started noticing how I felt stress from trying to serve in so many ways, looking to give to good things, and feeling the expectations of people that enjoyed the fact that I was willing to be there. Little seeds of resentment would pop up when I was taken advantage of, the recipients were not grateful or I realized that yet again, I had not only changed my plans, but my children had skipped dinner because I was “helping” someone else.

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I also found that the high stress lifestyle has been wearing on me. The chronic exhaustion, lack of sleep, lack of good food or any food sometimes and other things limit my brain power to do the things I want to do. Writing, for instance. I felt selfish carving out time for something that was just for me. Gardening fell by the wayside, meal planning, meal preparation,  and others.

I realized while working hard at a camp this summer, when it was so relaxing compared to my daily schedule, that something may be wrong with how I have been working things out.

1) Jesus required rest while He was ministering. He didn’t think it was selfish when He said no and went away from everyone.

2) When I feel those seeds of resentment, they trickle up to the people I serve. My children generally first feel the effects, then my other friends, family and groups. Even other drivers probably don’t appreciate it….especially like when I accidentally make mistakes while driving. No, I wasn’t on my cell phone or using the radio. I actually pay attention better on a cell phone than off, if you can believe that. It is a wonder I even have a license sometimes, I am a much safer walker/biker. The backlash from my irritation of some people taking advantage of me, leads to me taking it out on the innocent.

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My conclusion is that parenting is one of the hardest jobs I have ever set out to do. But one of the things that make it the hardest is all the other decisions I make on a daily basis. If I seek to be self-sacrificing, am I really serving others, or being selfish by ignoring my children at times or myself?

There is a time for everything, and sometimes there is a time to be bone crushing tired from serving others, but likely not almost everyday.

We can be better servants if we seek to rearrange the ladder, and let the blessing trickle down on others than going the other way around and me being bone dry after a week of hard labor.

 

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Transparency…is it overrated?

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It is a beautiful morning this morning! I woke up before 6 am this morning, and since I was unable to fall back asleep, (which is what I usually do), I proceeded with a quiet, normal morning for me.

I worked on catching up on my work on the computer, checking email, thinking about the bills that need to be paid. I moderated comments on the Naturally Born site that I am a moderator on and checked to see if there were any questions that I might be able to answer. I headed over to NotQuiteAmish blog, and pinned a few posts as well as commented on a few. It is my week to do so as my helping with promotion of the blog.

The episode of ER that I had stopped in the middle of last night was waiting for me on the computer, so I finished the last few minutes of it, before considering the rest of my responsibilities. My dreams had been full of swirling thoughts and decision making. How should my son’s high school transcript look? Should I close the windows of the house before 10 am to keep the house cool? What should I make for dinner so that the house stays cool? What is the best price for gutters on the house? And last, but not least, how can I convince my husband that buying a Harley Davidson leather jacket is not the best investment of his money and really doesn’t look good?

I gave up to read a book, which was about a man that was rejected by all for his looks, but sought after for his brains and money. He seeks revenge for how he is treated, but when that feels empty, he finds life in trusting Jesus with his life and found that forgiveness was more fulfilling than revenge. It wrapped up rather quickly, but other than getting uncomfortable laying on the bed with the book, was satisfying.

I began to think about transparency. You see, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I live my life. The daily struggles are what each family or head of household faces can be wearisome at times.

We can seek to hold up a front before others. We wear makeup to appear that we have perfect skin, we pin lovely meals on Pinterest, hoping others or even hope that we might make them one day.

One thing I realized is even when you know the right answers, sometimes it is hard to actually get it done.

You see in what I detailed in my morning routine, I left out a lot of stuff, the mundane hard parts of the morning. They are the things that are better left unsaid, spoken in private, but leave your heart aching sometimes. There are days when it is the mundane that leaves my heart feeling empty, worthless and longing for more.

It is then that I ask myself, who am I? When I describe myself, do I only see my value in what I can do for myself or for others? Or do I have value just if I was just me?

I found that doing things for others is very fulfilling, but also empty. Often people start to see you as valuable for what you can offer them, and not as a person anymore. They seek you out when they need help or support, because they know they can count on you. The problem is when you need help or support, your relationship is mostly one sided and they generally are too busy with other real friendships to help you out or even just visit at times.

Earlier this year, I sat at a party, surrounded by people that knew me and felt like I was in high school again. I was the one everyone knew who I was, but no one really knew me. They knew the surface things, but not who I really was, and frankly, didn’t care all that much to dig into it. They either figured it wasn’t worth it or it wasn’t all that interesting.

So, I ask all of you, how many of your friends do you really know? If they were struggling, would you really know it? Do you have a friend you care about, but realize that you don’t know much about their life other than what you see in public?

I would like to challenge you to dig beyond the facade and get some transparency with one or two people in your life. No, not everyone needs to know your business, certainly not on a public blog. But you shouldn’t find yourself the person that everyone knows, but no one cares enough to know when they need more than a casual friendship.

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Summer Days

I have not been as good about carrying my camera and keeping track of the memories of what we are doing. I think chronicling the school year got me tired of it!

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We have had some great days though! The boys were excited that their cousin came back from his trip, and they had a nice day with him before the 4th of July.  I caught this picture through my window, while they were having fun imagining stories together on the porch.

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We went over to my sister’s house and the children had a great time playing in the dirt at her house and eating snacks. She had it all color coordinated.

P1070782They had fun playing football and trying to avoid the neighbors cars as well.

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P1070781 The children perched in the back of the van to see the show!

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P1070787 T. birthday is coming up and he got a new bike and a backpack that has a water bladder in it. We have been going to the park playing with family and friends. My niece just turned 16 as well.

I have been doing a little reading as you can see from the reviews and trying to relax a bit for the rest of the summer!

 

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Critical Condition by Richard Mabry

Reviewed by Martha Artyomenko

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Book Description:

Book Description

Dr. Frasier couldn’t save the gunshot victim on her front lawn. Now she’s fighting for her own life.

It began as a quiet dinner party honoring Dr. Shannon Frasier’s colleague, but became a nightmare when a man was shot on her lawn, reviving emotions from a similar episode a decade ago. Then a midnight call from her sister, Megan, causes Shannon to fear that her sister is on drugs again.

Her “almost-fiancé” Dr. Mark Gilbert’s support only adds to Shannon’s feelings of guilt, since she can’t bring herself to fully commit to him. She turns for help to her pastor-father, only to learn that he’s just been diagnosed with leukemia.

Shannon thought it couldn’t get any worse. Then the late-night, threatening phone calls begin, the rough voice asking, “What did he say before he died?”

With everything around her in a critical state, simply staying alive will require all the resources and focus Shannon has.

My Review:

Medical suspense that is well written is sometimes hard to find, but Richard Mabry knocks it out of the park with this book. Shannon witnesses her first boyfriend being shot and the PTSD that follows her is revived when another man is shot on her lawn.  There were a few story lines to follow in this book, I would love to see another book about Megan and her future journey.

Richard Mabry gives us an inside view of the life of a busy surgeon that has witnessed many hard cases, but shows us the heart of the matter so to speak. Megan and Shannon are also PK’s, which means the turmoil of having issues with dealing with Christianity is also addressed.

I felt like this book was well balanced in giving you a very exciting suspense story, combined with dealing with emotional issues that we know everyone faces. I really have enjoyed books by this author and will be reading more by him when I get the chance!

This book was provided for me by BookLook Bloggers, the opinions contained herein are solely my own.

I review for BookLook Bloggers

 

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In the Field of Grace by Tessa Afshar

Reviewed by Martha Artyomenko

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Book Description:

Destitute, grief-stricken, and unwanted by the people of God, Ruth arrives in Israel with nothing to recommend her but Naomi’s, love. Her loftiest hope is to provide enough food to save Naomi and herself from starvation.

But God has other plans for her life. While everyone considers Ruth an outcast, she is astounded to find one of the most honored men of Judah showing her favor. Long since a widower and determined to stay that way, Boaz is irresistibly drawn to the foreign woman with the haunted eyes. He tells himself he is only being kind to his Cousin Naomi’s chosen daughter when he goes out of his way to protect her from harm, but his heart knows better.

Based on the biblical account of Ruth, In the Field of Grace is the story of a love that ultimately changes the course of Israel’s destiny and the future of the whole world.

My Review:

Tessa Afshar is very skilled when it comes to the retelling of a biblical fiction story. She can make you dig deeper into the bible, find things hidden in the story that you never thought about before. There are many biblical fiction stories written on the book of Ruth, but this one find some other tidbits that you will marvel at. Once again, I found myself thinking about how there were some really incredible women from history and in the bible, that really were quite amazing. This story will get you thinking about how brave two young widows were, when one older, one younger struggled to survive in a very hard time. They became the forerunners of King David and ultimately, the line of Jesus. This story is very chaste, and is not full of romance, but has an underlying theme throughout of love and devotion, much like the bible has. If you let your teen daughters read the bible, they will enjoy this story that makes them want to dig into their bible more.

This book was given to me for review from NetGalley. The opinions contained herein are my own.

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Veil of Secrets by Shannon Ethridge and Kathryn Mackel

Reviewed by Martha Artyomenko

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Book Description:

Melanie and Will Connors are the perfect power couple. Will is the chief campaign strategist for a rising presidential candidate; Melanie is a prominent advocate for protecting children in an over-sexualized culture. Their devotion to one another is admired, even envied.

But their marriage isn’t what it appears to be.

Will maintains an apartment in Washington DC, and over the years his visits home have grown fewer and farther between. The long-distance marriage has enabled Melanie to avoid intimacy—and has only increased her shame about her secretive past. But then Will issues this ultimatum: We work on the marriage . . . or we work on the divorce.

The Connors commit to marriage counseling in the most brutal of environments—snowy New Hampshire, a tiny state that is ‘first in the nation’ for presidential primaries and a prize to be won at any cost . . . and the price of victory keeps rising.

As Melanie sifts through the debris of her secretive past, she obsesses over the fear that she hasn’t done enough to protect her teenaged daughter. When she sees her facing some of the same temptations she knows she must intervene . . . but how can a woman with so many veiled secrets guide a daughter honestly?

My Review:

I was reading this book in shorter segments and likely because I was reading an advanced review copy on the Kindle, it messed up the format, which played into my enjoyment of the book. This book has several story lines that intertwine and mesh. It was hard at times to keep Miranda, Melanie, Sophie and other all in their places. There were times when I just got lost completely. It seemed like there were so many things that were behind the veil of secrets, even to the readers.

Some very interesting things that I really liked that this book touched on was the fact that even the most paranoid parent cannot always protect their children, even when they know what to look for. This book touched on molestation and how the victims often blame themselves. It touched on political issues, prostititution and marriage issues that can come forth in a political race. I really found that the authors were not afraid to shy away from the hard things. They addressed them hard on and that made this a not so light read for anyone.

It hits them all. Abortion is actually also talked about as well, and planned by one of the young women that is part of the “family values” political campaign. It shows the struggle and how a young woman might make that choice, even if she believes it is wrong or not what she wanted.

Over all, this book is one that I would have preferred to read in print so the format didn’t irritate me so much, but also I think I may have been able to keep track of the character better that way as well.

This book was provided for me for review by NetGalley. The opinions contained herein are my own.

 

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Life Behind the Wall by Robert Elmer

Reviewed by Martha Artyomenko

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Book Description:

Marking the 55th anniversary of the creation of the Berlin Wall, this epic tale extends across generations and unfolds against the backdrop of a dangerous Cold War Berlin. This historically accurate, action-packed, 3-books-in-one features teens and their family’s struggle living in the shadow of the Berlin Wall, from its creation after WWII, to life behind the wall during the Cold War, to the Wall’s ultimate and final destruction.

Both educational and exciting, Life Behind the Wall is a great choice for middle readers at home or school.

My Review:

Have you been looking for some good, clean stories to help make history come alive for your middle school students? Do they struggle though with longer books? This book is broken into three parts, which gives you shorter assignments for reading. It can bring to life the way life was for children behind the wall in Berlin, Germany. I would have to say, my favorite, was the first story. It covers some other topics that we may want to bring up and discuss…polio, hunger and some of the bias against other nations during the war.  This is one that will add a lot your home reading or for educational purposes!

Each different story covers a slightly different time period based around the Berlin Wall. It’s rise, between times, and it’s fall. It really brings to life much of the pain that was caused by this separation within a country. Often I think that we tend to forget about these historical events, and if we do not bring them to life for our children, they will forget as well. This book is a good one as it has exciting moments, and your children will learn without realizing.

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