Do you ever lay awake and wonder if anyone would really notice if you were gone? I know, it is depressing and sometimes could be a little selfish depending on which way your thoughts were going, but in my thoughts I was wondering if I am doing anything to effect the future.
Are my relationships with people who it matters that I am around? Am I one of the people that they will read the obituary and think “Oh, I knew her once.” or will they know I am gone because the irritating influence in their life is gone?
While I hope that I have a positive influence on others, I wonder if sometimes it is more the irritating influence, where everyone breathes a sigh of relief when you leave the room.
I have learned a lot about being invisible as well in the last couple years. I found that often when something happens in your life that you are ashamed of, you tend to pull back from relationships because of people’s reactions. People pull back from you as shame is contagious. If they are friends with you, it somehow rubs off on them. I started going to a church where I can be as invisible as I want. You see, I do not speak the language that the service is held in. I can sit and just focus on God in church, I journal about the sermon, I pray, I sing, I concentrate and translate the sermons in my head. I am not accepted to many others in the church as I am not the same nationality and they smile, but I am not the same as them, and it scares them a bit. I am okay with that, but it is a little lonely sometimes. I do have a couple of good friends there too, which makes it better!
But my point is, it is easy to go through life being invisible. We judge others by their shame, we pull back as it is the easier thing to do. We think of ourselves and what will make us happy as well as safe. It is not always safe to put ourselves out there, in the same room with someone who is that person that seems to irritate you. Sometimes though, these people can be the ones who need you the most.
“Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.” Matthew 25:45, KJV.
For me, I find this verse means the people that find themselves invisible, that are the ones that we don’t always enjoy being around are the ones that need us. They may not appreciate it. They may even get mad at you. You may be besmirched by your association with them.
I know with my life, I have many struggles. I struggle with staying patient with my children, especially at bedtime. I struggle with eating the way I should, and have trouble with body image. I wish that my husband did not have the mental health issues that he has. But most of all, I wish that my relationships with God and with others could be improved. I feel like such failure sometimes when it comes to that.
I find though that honesty is the best policy, when loneliness hits strong and hard, and you wonder why it seems like you are doing, doing, doing, and yet seem to be alone all the time, have you stopped to think about who you are doing it for?
I guess I don’t care if people look at my obituary and can’t remember how they knew me. I hope they look at it and think maybe that I was an imperfect person, who tried the best I could to show the Love of God in their lives.